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August 03, 2005

"General sir! Intelligence update!"

Sir, an excellent opportunity to recruit gung-ho volunteers is right around the corner! There will be a Florida hotel resort FULL of patriotic drum-bangers, war-mongers, liberal-bashers, haters of all things French... all high-PR-value enlistments.

Think of the Glorious Struggle Against Violent Extremism's need for symbolic leaders! Imagine the recruiting TV spots and web banner ads and posters:

Joe Scarborough reporting for duty;
David Horowitz low-crawling under barbed wire;
John Ashcroft... covering up a naked statue.

Rush Limbaugh could show our soldiers the wonders of modern medicine. "Only a _____ Frenchy would refuse to take his Lariam!"

A Who's Who of senators and representatives will be on hand, as well, both male and female. Any or all of them could no doubt serve in some capacity. Why, sir, my 58-year-old uncle The Pilot (Vietnam vet, wounded in-flight from below -- but still fully manly) was being actively recruited within the past 2 months, in spite of his bad back and inability to pass a physical or PT test. "No problem!" he was told.

Peggy Noonan, Wayne LaPierre, Ed Meese, John O'Neill, Rep. Katherine Harris -- as before the climactic battle in The Lord of the Rings, "...names worth a thousand mail-clad knights apiece."

And these are merely the featured speakers, sir -- think of their audience. A couple thousand potential willing victims -- beg pardon -- gallant patriots! They deserve a chance to serve!*

I recommend we make it as easy as possible for them all to enlist. Operation Jaundiced Pachyderm, perhaps?

*(will make a good T-shirt design)

Posted by Jeff at August 3, 2005 07:39 AM