« Headline bad-song flashback cringe alert! | Main | We fight for democracy, we don't practice it. Now go home! »

August 18, 2005

Handbook of Southern Manners

For those of us living in the uncultured, coarse, Christian hating Pacific Northwest, the Handbook of Southern Manners should come in handy. It's about time we northerners learn how to lynch, smile while spewing completely offensive crap and worship ourselves for the war we lost.

In the Introduction, one overall general offense is listed:

While concern for our conduct toward others is down, the assertion of our Constitutional rights is up. There is also a serious increase in negative political ads and the use of vulgar language. We do business with little thought for others. What happened to the time when a man’s word was his bond and you could do business on a handshake? Some say civility is in a permanent state of change. On the contrary, the basics stay the same indefinitely, and have since the earliest times of recorded history.

Translation: As long as your Constitutional rights are being stripped from you with a smile and a handshake, shut your vulgar mouth and take it.

More Introduction gems:

Therefore, we must first recognize the raw logic that demands the exercise of common courtesy, and then move on to the art form that makes it more than a perfunctory exercise. Good manners are an essential ingredient in a healthy society because they smooth relations with the people with whom we interact and prevent a host of problems. More than this, good manners make life more pleasant and enjoyable. Such courtesies actually honor God by giving respect to that part of His universe that was created in His image: humans. When good manners are practiced sincerely, the respect that flows outward creates self-respect, something the Socialists and others of their kind try to generate through false and demeaning government-sponsored programs and clichés.

Translation: Socialists don't have manners because manners come from God. Socialists are unGodly heathens..so therefore any manners they might have must have come from Satan.

From the Maintaining Your Honor and Integrity chapter:

Family is important to Southerners probably more so than to others living in these united states. Our tradition is such that we tend to be “clannish.” Stand by your family. The bonds you have with family are such that no matter what, you will always have them. As a dependent living with your parents, you should always defer to their authority. Once on your own, you are the boss, but you should still show respect for your parents and all they have done to raise you.

Translation: We love our families so much that we have the highest divorce rates in the nation. But don't look at that. Look at how we smile our charming smiles while we're stabbing you in the back.

I have a great deal of family in the South. I love them all. But if this is how folks below the Mason-Dixon are expected to comport themselves...don't expect much in the way of respect from those of us up North. Most of us don't take kindly to being smiled at while trying to tie a noose around our necks.

And it's United States, not united states. Country names are capitalized. Especially the one to which you pledge your allegiance. Supposedly.

Posted by Carla at August 18, 2005 03:44 PM