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October 07, 2005

That voice you heard came from downstairs, George

Dear Pretender President Bush,

I really must apologize.  In all of my wildest imaginings, I had no idea that you believed that God told you to invade Iraq and Afghanistan.  I just thought you were being a good minion of the Devil in your wanton invasions and occupations, which is why I always made fun of you.  (Nobody likes a brown-noser.)

In the programme Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs, which starts on Monday, the former Palestinian foreign minister Nabil Shaath says Mr Bush told him and Mahmoud Abbas, former prime minister and now Palestinian President: "I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan.' And I did, and then God would tell me, 'George go and end the tyranny in Iraq,' and I did."

And "now again", Mr Bush is quoted as telling the two, "I feel God's words coming to me: 'Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East.' And by God, I'm gonna do it."

Now look, honey.  God told you to do no such thing, and you know it.  God tells you to do tiresome things like give to the poor and comfort the sick and fight for justice, to stop getting lots of stuff and start connecting with people.  Where's the drama in that?  God wouldn't suggest that we all go shopping after several thousand people are murdered by a pack of drooling zealots, and he'd never get with invading countries to get oil for our Hummers.  Those suggestions came from below, if you know what I mean. 

I've gotta tell you, both you and that whinging sack Osama Bin Laden are starting to irritate the Big Horned Guy Downstairs.  He's a little tired of God getting the credit for the evil you two do.  Can you for once put the credit where the credit is due?  I realize "The Devil told me do it" is cliche, but it's accurate. 

Sincerely,

Her Infernal Majesty

President-for-Life Sheelzebub

Posted by at October 7, 2005 11:20 AM