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November 28, 2005

President-for-Life Sheelzebub praises Black Friday Ultimate Fighters and Big Box Stores

In an impromptu press conference between spa trips over Thanksgiving weekend, her Infernal Majesty Sheelzebub heaped praise upon the people involved in the Black Friday fracases and the stores that promoted them, and awarded them the title of "Black Friday Ultimate Fighters."

"I am so heartened--well, as heartened as a heartless, sociopathic demon from hell can be--that the big box stores and their patrons have gone the extra mile, the extra step, and the extra punch to promote our patriotic policy of shopping," she said, sipping a dry Shiraz. "Most Thanksgivings and Christmases, you have all the namby-pamby Christians and liberal do-gooders bleating on and on about those tiresome poor people. It's nice to see the true spirit of the holiday embodied this past Friday."

"There were many examples of good Americans doing what they should, fighting and trampling each other to get merchandise made by poor sots in sweatshops around the world grateful people in poor countries who were happy to have the jobs given to them by us superior Americans. This provides such good training for our future grabs for resources and oil wars to protect our great nation from threats. You are all great examples of citizen fighting machines, and I know you'll be honored to serve your great nation when called. Which will be soon, believe me!"

She didn't want to leave the retail stores out of her praise, citing the following news story as an example of good marketing:

Pre-dawn pandemonium and violence erupted at two Mays Landing stores as thousands of shoppers eager for Black Friday sales overwhelmed retailers and police.

Customers trampled, shoved and assaulted fellow shoppers and even fought police in "their race to be the first in line" for discounted electronics at Circuit City and Wal-Mart on the Black Horse Pike, said Police Chief Jay McKeen.

Trouble began shortly before 6 a.m. at Circuit City when employees handed out pamphlets to shoppers at the front of a line of about 1,500 people. Customers further back, mistakenly thinking vouchers for limited-supply items were being distributed, rushed to the front.

"Talk about creating a buzz," she said. "That's just fabulous! There's nothing like an entire crowd pushing its way into your store to give you a certain cachet. You can use the footage in your future commercials! Slashing prices to ridiculous levels for a few short hours in the morning and getting people to wait in long lines--a stroke of genius! Of course only a few people would get the really cheap goods. I haven't seen mayhem like that since the Ramones were together, and their fans didn't go buying anything. You know, you stores should do this more often, and give me the kickbacks."

She continued, "I certainly hope that people realize now that shopping is not a self-indulgent act. It's actually quite dangerous, and only patriots of the highest caliber would put themselves through this to support big business. It's hard on your wallet--and now it's hard on your body--but it's necessary. Only those who hate America and everything it stands for--big box stores, sweatshop labor, and debt--would even think about opting out of the Friday fracases. If we can continue this, our country will be stronger than ever. Not only does the revenue provide your esteemed President-for-Life with much-needed kickbacks, it also provides you, the citizen soldier and "Ultimate Fighter," with the necessary training to fight the enemy at our shores. We're not sure who the enemy is yet, but they're somewhere and we'll have to fight them. Or you will. I won't, because I'm rich and therefore I'm better than you. Look, even Osama and George agree with me on that one."

President-for-Life Sheelzebub personally awarded the participant of each melee a coupon for Hardee's, and told them, "Whenever you ask What Would Jesus Do? just remember the answer: He'd shop. And kick some ass."

Posted by at November 28, 2005 09:51 AM