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December 05, 2005
President-for-Life Sheelzebub Answers Your Holiday Questions ('cause you didn't listen the first time)
Sheesh. You'd think that the barking loons would have piped down and gotten on with their lives after last Christmas. Unfortunately, Jerry Falwell and Bill "Falafel" O'Reilly are really concerned with Christmas being under attack. So I'll rerun this, which I posted in December of last year, for your reading pleasure.
Dear Sheelzebub:I don't remember you winning the election. Why are you calling yourself President-for-Life?
--A voter
This has nothing to do with Christmas! Guard! Shoot the idiot who let this question through and draw and quarter this traitor.
Dear Sheelzebub:Shouldn't we spend all year helping the poor, fighting injustice, and living with integrity and honor? Shouldn't we worry about bigger things than forcing non-Christians to celebrate Christmas?
--Wondering
Guard! Shoot that traitor!
Dear Evildoing She-demon President:Why do these false Christians try to push their pagan ways on us? It is immoral. They insist on celebrating Christmas, a false holiday, when it is an "extreme forgetfulness of Christ" that embraces paganism and debauchery. I think they should be burned at the stake. What do you plan to do about it?
--Phred
Dear Phred,
I'd like you and Ima, who wrote the letter below, to get in the ring and go a few rounds. I'd sell tickets to the event and clean up.
Dear Madame Presidente:Why do these oppressive, mean, PC lefties denigrate Christmas and oppress conservatives? It's horrible, I tell you. Why, just the other day, I saw a sign that said "Happy Holidays." This is just like Abu Ghraib! I'd like to hang these people up by their toes and beat them like pinatas so they will respect Jesus, who's the reason for the season. They should all put up Christmas trees and pray for forgiveness. What do you think?
Dear Ima,
First, thanks so much for keeping alive that myth that Jesus is the reason for the season. No need to actually let the truth out. It would spoil everything--if people realized we were just supposed to have fun and eat and be nice to each other, I wouldn't be entertained with gratuitous violence and social train wrecks. Besides, people getting distracted with nationalizing creches and saying Merry Christmas gives me a chance to loot the US Treasury undetected--er, I mean, reassures me that you all love the spirit of Christmas so much.
Just remember--the answer to "What Would Jesus Do?" should be: He'd shop.
Your infernal majesty:Is it true that you are going to destroy any monuments having to do with our great nation's founders and the Puritans?
--Perplexed
Dear Perp,
Hell, yeah! These nitwits outlawed Christmas. Congress was even in session on December 25, 1789. Can you imagine? They didn't even have a party. No tree. No drunken, embarrassing moments at office parties for the viewing pleasure of their coworkers. No presents--so no shopping. It's a wonder this country ever survived! And they didn't even keep with the Jesus aspects of the holiday. I mean, really, we are marking the guy's birthday, you'd think they'd have at least had a keg party or something. But no, they had to get all anal rententive and point out that he wasn't even born in December. As if that matters. They were bad, un-Christian Americans who didn't realize why they founded this great nation. They are probably burning in hell right now. OK, so I don't know for sure, I mean, I don't have the current roster in front of me, but I'd bet money they are. Not my fault that I simply hate paperwork.
Your infernal majesty:What's this I hear about you expanding Christmas to a month?
--Perplexed, again
Dear Perp redux,
Yes, it's true. One lousy day just isn't going to cut it. Not when we could stick to the old traditions of feasting, drinking, and general partying. That's my kind of holiday. People used to celebrate Christmas much like they used to celebrate Saturnalia. A big, drunken party is what I'm all about. Preferably with karaoke.
Posted by at December 5, 2005 06:32 PM