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October 09, 2006

The "Get Motivated Seminar Series:" Buddha is in the details

. . . and Jesus is in the fine print.

If you work in a Portland office of a certain size, and you notice that several of your co-workers are missing today--and not necessarily, it must be said, several of your more irreplaceable co-workers--I may have the solution to this mystery.

A lavish traveling show hits the Rose Garden Arena in Portland today. If you read the Oregonian in the last couple of months, you've probably seen the full-page ads that have been running several times a week:

GET MOTIVATED
Attend This Dynamic Seminar to INCREASE Your PRODUCTIVITY and INCOME
Motivation! Inspiration! Career Skills! Wealth-Building!
All speakers live and in person --All in one day!

The featured speakers include Zig Ziglar ("America's #1 Motivator"), Dr. Robert Schuller ("America's Best Inspirational Speaker"), Steve Forbes (President and CEO of Forbes, Inc."), Tom Hopkins ("America's #1 Authority on Selling"), and Don Shula ("Miami Dolphins Legendary Football Coach").

But wait (as they say in the biz)--there's more!

The show has two other scheduled speakers: Gen. Colin Powell (speaking on "Take-Charge Leadership") and Rudolph Guiliani (speaking on "Courage Without Compromise").

Quite a deal, actually--even for the $225 admission price.

At this point, I should probably come clean about a couple of things. First, I saw this show when it came through town about three years ago. And second, it didn't cost me $225 to get in.

The $225 door price is just for suckers and people with unmonitored expense accounts. The great majority of the people in attendance today will be on the "office plan"--for $49, ten people from your office can all attend. They hawk these ten-ticket blocks like girl Scout Thin Mints to the bigger employers in town.

You can't cover those speakers' fees and rent the Rose Garden Arena on $4.90 per person. So how do they pay for it, at that rate? Mostly through advertising in their glossy program, corporate sponsorships, and--most important--back-of-the-room sales of books, videos, and software. One of the sponsors listed in this year's ad is Success Magazine (their tag line: "Success: In Business. In Life."). Today's attendees will even receive a year's subscription.

So it looks like a win-win, doesn't it? Workers get to escape from the grind, spending the day being inspired and motivated, increasing their productivity, learning career skills, and hearing that they're the movers and shakers of Portland (and they'll be told that last part, a lot). And, all over town, and managers get to have ten of their least-necessary workers out from under foot for the day. And all for less than the cost of a Franklin Covey leather 3-ring binder from Office Depot. (I say this, again, fully aware that I attended this show on the "office plan." At times, the attendance list for the event reminded me of the Golgafrinchan "B" Ark. It was not a self-esteem-building association.)

And what does that $4.90 (or $225) admission get you? Assuming that they stick to the formula--and why wouldn't they? It certainly seems to be working--the emcee will come out this morning and pump up the crowd, assuring this mid-level group of wannabes for the first of several times today that they are indeed the "movers and shakers of Portland."

Then the speakers start. The Big Names were alternated with Lesser Names throughout the day. When I attended, the first up was in fact a protégé of Zig Ziglar, followed by Ziglar himself, the Dalai Lama of motivational speakers. If you've never seen him, he's a tall, slender, now-aged southern Christian gennulman with an amazing, Ol' Time Gospel voice. You either like Ziglar or hate him, and I think his on-stage presence borders on the reptilian. Your mileage may vary. When Ziglar finally got around to opining--apropos of what was not entirely clear--that this country needs more Christian judges on the bench, there was a smattering of applause from those seated in the auditorium floor, and in the upper decks where I was, the gasps were audible. I wasn't prepared to stand up and jeer--someone had invested $4.90 in my presence there, after all--but silence seemed too much like assent, so I walked out, hanging by the concession stand and making a few calls until Zig was over.

"Is this going to be a regular thing with you?" whispered one of the people I had to edge past to return to my seat.

"I certainly hope not," I whispered back.

The next speaker that morning--and I'd be greatly, greatly surprised if he weren't there this morning as well since he and his wife (the emcee) were apparently the organizers of the event--was Peter Lowe, a perky, redheaded fellow who talked to us about the miracle of compound interest, extolling the virtues of investing early and often to secure our lifestyles later on. But he didn't keep his hole card completely hidden: Part of the reason he was there was to witness for Jesus, not just for Alan Greenspan.

At this point, we can note some trends already emerging: The show is a merger of big-church Christianity and upwardly-mobile Republicanism--almost reminiscent of the old Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker "PTL Club" show, but far more polished and upscale. Buried in near the bottom of the of that full-page, in 4-point type that only someone with 30-20 vision could find, let alone read, is this message: "SPECIAL BONUS: One of the most popular parts of The GET MOTIVATED Seminar is a special optional 15 minute bonus session on the Biblical Secrets of success." (The perky, redheaded Lowe led that portion, too, a proper come-to-Jesus session in the afternoon during which I reacquainted myself with the charms of the concession stand.)

(It's interesting that Get Motivated Seminars succeed through very narrow and focused marketing. Both the Seminars and Lowe himself have a surprisingly low profile on the internet.)

A second thing that was hard to miss was that program proper was a Guy Thing, start to finish. The show I attended had two women taking part (Goldie Hawn, whose appearance was teased out in front of us all day like the weather report on the local news, and who finally made her appearance by videotape, and the emcee, who was the spouse of one of the other non-featured speakers.) The program for today's show mentions no women as speakers.

And so it went for the rest of the day: Most speakers were selling themselves as inspirers and motivators (most notably Zig and Rudy--but also 49ers quarterback Joe Montana, a last-minute replacement on the schedule who brought a football with him on stage just so we wouldn't lose the point). (Substitutions are allowed; that's also covered in the fine print.)

And some speakers were just selling. These were investment plans of one sort or another, some ranging into the several-thousands of dollars to buy into an investment service or a software product, available at the other end of the arena, major cards accepted.

A couple of these sales presentations were interesting on the merits, but packaged in a way I found most unappealing. One Phil Town, an afternoon Lesser Name, began his pitch for an interesting but expensive online investing system by telling us that he'd been a special forces soldier who, when his tour was up, landed at Sea-Tac airport--his first time back in the States--and (say it with me) was spat upon by a hippie. This was problematic on several levels for me, not least of which that it didn't seem to have much to do with investing--or motivation. But mainly, of course, it was irksome to hear him cash in on a tired, long-debunked urban legend. He might as well have told us that he met the Vanishing Hitchhiker or the Man with the Silver Claw. Love to know what inner need made him think that was a good opening gambit. Today he's probably a signatory on those Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads. His product must be good, because his approach seems to offend universally.

But of course, then as now, all of that is just the filler--the Spanish peanuts we have to sort through in the can to find the jumbo cashew that is Rudy Guiliani. TNR's Malcolm Cowley captures the moment from a couple of years ago, possibly the same tour I saw:

The scene has unfolded at least a dozen times over the past year. In some huge sports arena in a large U.S. city, a second-tier pop singer performs a series of patriotic anthems. After a pause, a burst of horns and the gossamer voice of Frank Sinatra fills the stadium. Start spreading the news ... A maelstrom of red, white, and blue confetti fills the air. Now, a roar surges through the crowd--Rudolph Giuliani has come into view. The standing ovation that greets him might last for a full minute before Giuliani finally cuts it off. After all, these people have paid good money ($225 at the door, $49 in advance) to hear him speak. Not just him, actually: At these "Get Motivated!" seminars, sponsored by a Tampa-based motivational speaker named Peter Lowe, a constellation of stars are on hand--Private Jessica Lynch! Zig Ziglar! Larry King! Goldie Hawn! Jerry Lewis! But no one is a bigger draw than America's mayor, the hero of September 11. As for Giuliani, he's come here (to Cleveland or Baltimore or San Francisco or any of the other cities visited by the Get Motivated! tour) to share his insights on "How to Lead in Difficult Times." This amounts to six principles: stick to core beliefs, optimism, courage, relentless preparation, humility and teamwork, and good communication. "It's not magic," Giuliani might tell his audience, as he did at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, Florida, last year. No kidding.

Rudy's stock isn't selling quite at its 2004 peak, in part because the approaching 2008 presidential nomination process (and he's always mentioned as a GOP frontrunner) is causing the old names to be dredged up again, including, Amadou Diallo, Bernie Kerick, Judith Nathan, and, most recently, George Allen.

But he's still got juice. And ever the multi-tasker (Memo to self: Was "multi-tasking" one of RG's six principles? Must check my notes.), Rudy will be slipping away from the festivities today for a Ron Saxon fundraising luncheon: $250 for lunch, $2500 for a photo with America's Mayor.

So when your co-workers (and you know which ones I mean) return tomorrow, perhaps a little more motivated, a little more inspired, perhaps a little lighter in the wallet, now you'll know what it's about. They've had a full-day tutorial on upgrading their mover-and-shaker status. Will they be "using creativity to increase & maintain motivation" (Ziglar)? Will they now be able to attain and exceed every goal" (Schuller)? Ready to "lead your team to victory" (Schula)? Will they have invested in life eternal with Jesus? You'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

Posted by Nothstine at October 9, 2006 11:40 AM