« When I grow up, I want to be just like Keith Olberman | Main | Pride Goeth Before a Stoning »

January 02, 2007

King James Got It All Wrong

Well, now I've seen everything. A Christian swingers group with more than 3,000 members is spreading the Good News that all those passages in the Bible about fornicators and adulterers are mistranslated and based on a culture that is outdated by thousands of years. And you thought it was all about forgiveness of sins.

You can read all about how the Bible and Christ's message have been perverted (sorry, couldn't help myself) at the group's website. Of course, all you Victorian-era moralists who still read the King James Bible will find plenty of reason to disagree with their premise. If, on the other hand, you are willing to take the time to gently massage the original Hebrew and Greek, you will be able to entice the true meaning into coyly revealing itself. Apparently, where the King James Bible quoted Jesus as saying "Love one another," it was a mis-translation. What he actually said was "Fuck one another."

According to Liberated Christians, "responsible non-monogamy, loving intimacy and other-centered sexual pleasure sharing is much more in line with Christ's teaching that love is the greatest commandment than the repressive traditional teachings which make rules based on false foundations." Thanks in large part to St. Augustine, Christ's loving message was changed into a message of stupefying, dour monogamy and restraint of passion.

So all you privately-masturbating, closet homosexual, hooker-hiring, fornicating-with-the-choir-director Christians, take heart. You aren't sinning after all (but will that take all the fun out of it?).

Unfortunately for one of the two founders of the group, he has to date been unsuccessful in his efforts to find a Christian wife who understands and accepts his views on swinging. Sometimes it's tough being a visionary.

Posted by Becky at January 2, 2007 07:52 PM