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January 03, 2007

Pride Goeth Before a Stoning

He steered hurricanes Gloria, Felix and Isabel using only the power of prayer. He prayed to God to make vacancies in the U.S. Supreme Court to get rid of radical black-robed tyrants, and God answered his prayers by ousting Rehnquist and O'Connor. And Pat Robertson believes his conversations with God go both ways. Not only does God hear his prayers, God also gives him messages for the rest of us, who are less worthy (probably because we mistakenly see Justices Roberts and Alito as radical black-robed tyrants). God's latest message: He hates America so much that He is going to allow a massive terrorist attack to occur on the United States sometime after September, 2007, resulting in an enormous amount of death.

God didn't tell Pat Robertson exactly where this mass killing would occur, but being particularly talented at putting two and two together and coming up with five, I have figured it out. Back in November, 2006 Robertson prognosticated disaster for Dover, Pennsylvania because the citizens there had voted out the school board for supporting intelligent design. God hates Dover. So I think He will be sending the terrorists over there. And don't doubt that God will get His revenge – after all, thanks to Pat Robertson we now know that Ariel Sharon's stroke a year ago and Yitzhak Rabin's 1995 assassination occurred because they were punished by God for trying to give more land to the Palestinians.

All of this is quite amazing stuff, but there is one very big problem, and that is that Robertson has a habit of telling us God told him something and then having that thing turn out to be not quite right. For instance, in May of last year, right as the History Channel was running a program about the possibility of a west coast megathrust earthquake and tsunami, Robertson said "storms and possibly a tsunami" would hit the Northwest coast during 2006. We did have a pretty hairy windstorm in December, but I don't recall any tsunami, and I'm not sure that the storm we had was worthy of a non-specific warning direct from God. Robertson also said that Bush would "easily" win both his elections, and both turned out to be squeakers. In fact, one would almost have to say Bush actually lost both elections and God Himself had to step in and mess with the voting machines to save face.

Of his prophetic record, Robertson says, "I have a relatively good track record. Sometimes I miss." I have to wonder if the God Robertson is talking to is the same one in the Bible, because that God didn't like people saying He said something, only to have that thing not come true. It made God look bad. He gave pretty clear instructions to the Israelites to kill prophets who "missed," even if they only did it once:

Deuteronomy 18:20-22: But the prophet, who being corrupted with pride, shall speak in my name things that I did not command him to say, or in the name of strange gods, shall be slain. And if in silent thought thou answer: How shall I know the word that the Lord hath not spoken? Thou shalt have this sign: Whatsoever that same prophet foretelleth in the name of the Lord, and it cometh not to pass: that thing the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath forged it by the pride of his mind: and therefore thou shalt not fear him.

I don't envy Robertson right now. If he's right about what he says God told him, a lot of people will die. If he's wrong, Christians are supposed to stone him to death. Fortunately, I have received a message from God about this, and he told me not to worry about Robertson because he will manage to squeak by on this, just as he has on of everything else.

Posted by Becky at January 3, 2007 09:36 AM